Hi Friends! Today, I wanted to share a slightly different kind of post. I’m talking about why I don’t like being asked where I’m from. Even though I’ve been asked this pretty much my whole life, something happened to me a couple of weeks ago that made me really think about the topic, and why it makes me uncomfortable. My conclusion: It’s not just the racial undertones, it’s the sexist undertones. A double whammy.
A question I often get from people is “where are you from?” and they probably don’t mean anything by it. The majority of these come from friends of friends who I’m meeting for the first time, or individuals at a networking event. They most likely mean, “are you from the Chicagoland area?” Usually I say that I grew up in Georgia, and moved here to go to college, and the person reciprocates by saying where they grew up. The end.
But then, there are those people, who give me a look like I’m being difficult, and follow up with “but where are you REALLY from?” These are the people who want to know what my ethnic background is.
Is it ok to ask someone where they “are from?”
My answer is, it depends on the intent and the situation. For example, if Chris and I are traveling outside of the country, and we’re obvious tourists, I think it’s ok if our waiter asks where we are from. Most likely, the person is asking where we are traveling from, and is looking to make light conversation.
However, I think if one is trying to just make small talk, a better way to phrase this question is “are you local?” Or “are you from (insert city or state)?” Or even, “how long have you lived in (insert place)…did you grow up here?” But even if someone straight up asks me “where are you from?” it’s usually easy to tell from context who is asking about where I live, and who is asking where in Asia I immigrated from. Still, I don’t think you should ask “where are you from?” if you’re inquiring about someone’s ethnicity, particularly if there is no obvious indication that they were/weren’t born in the same country that you were.
I think some scenarios make this question acceptable, like if the conversation naturally flows that way, or if someone brings up their culture first. Like if I’m talking to someone about foreign languages, and how I would love for my kids to speak Chinese and Spanish, in addition to English, it would be fine for them to ask me about it. Example – “Why those two languages? Are you Chinese?”
However, I only ever get this question from men, often without prompt, and usually in a situation that doesn’t necessitate conversation. And I wonder, “why is this guy talking to me at all?” Sometimes, these guys know they perhaps shouldn’t be asking me this question out of the blue, so they preface their question with “I hope I don’t offend you, but where are you/your family from?” Or “I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but what’s your background?”
Depending on the situation, I might answer that I am/my family is Chinese, followed up by “why do you ask?” or just simply “why do you ask?” And the vast majority of the time, the response is “oh no reason” or “I dated a girl from Japan once” or “just curious.” A few times, it’s been followed up with “is it true that Chinese people eat dogs?” or “I heard they abort baby girls in China, what do you think about that?”
My thoughts: If you need to preface your question with “I hope this doesn’t offend you,” perhaps don’t ask a total stranger at all? If I were wearing a “I heart China” t-shirt, and my cab driver has a upcoming trip to China planned, by all means, ask me if I’m from there, and if I have any travel tips. But I probably won’t, since I’ve only been to visit twice, and only to two cities in the country. But if I’m on my phone, or trying to mind my own business, no, I really don’t want to hear about the time you dated an Asian girl.
Which brings me to another point about “intent.” If you’re to ask this question, what are you hoping to accomplish by it? If you’re just trying to be friendly, maybe talk about something else instead, like the weather.
Does it matter if the person man asking is also a minority? And why do I only ever get this question when I’m alone or with other women?
The situation that upset me a couple weeks ago happened when I got into an Uber on the way to a blogger event. I got into the car, and said “good afternoon.” The driver responded with “are you from China?” Not “hello, how are you?”
I followed up with “are you asking me if my family is Chinese, or if I’m from China myself?” He made an exasperated face and said “I think you’re from China.”
Does the following matter?
- I actually was born in China, and moved to the US when I was 4, so I actually am from China.
- The driver who asked me this is Asian (not sure exactly where) and wanted to speak Chinese with me.
I still say no. First of all, the driver could have asked if I spoke Chinese, which I would have replied, “some Mandarin.” It’s NOT a given – my sister doesn’t speak Chinese. Additionally, I have several “Chinese” friends who are not FROM China. They were born in the US, and/or their families are from Taiwan or Singapore. Or they speak Cantonese (another Chinese dialect that’s basically another language). But he just asked if I was from China.
At first, I wondered if I should cut the guy some slack. Maybe he was just looking for someone to speak his mother-tongue with, to remind him of home? Maybe he was just looking to connect with someone from the same country as him? But why should I have to feel like I needed to converse/entertain this 50 year old guy whose job was just to get me to my destination? He kept asking me if I understood him (his regional accent was different from the one my family speaks) – don’t I want to try to speak some Chinese at least?
I just wanted to be left alone.
What was this guy’s intent then? I don’t know, but I do know that 99% of the time this has happened to me, the person who has asked was male, typically in the 40-60 age range. They’ve been of all ethnic backgrounds.
Only one time, an elderly woman on the street asked me if I spoke Mandarin. She was lost, and needed directions. But still, she asked me if I spoke a language, not if I was “from China.”
There’s a man in my condo building who says, in Mandarin, “are you Chinese?” whenever I walk by him down the hall. I just ignore him and keep walking. I very well could not understand him if I didn’t know Chinese. Yes, the man is probably Chinese himself, but what kind of greeting is that? What if I said yes? Then what? Does he want to stand there in the lobby and talk? What if I said no? I’m just trying to go home.
Worst of all, I sometimes am approached (always by non-Asian men) and greeted with “konnichiwa” or “ni hao,” which mean hello in Japanese and Mandarin. And sometimes in (presumably) Asian languages that I don’t understand. And this has happened to all of my Asian girlfriends as well. AND it’s happened a lot when I’ve been with a group of girlfriends (when some of the girls are Asian).
When I was at dinner with 8 other girls (half of them were Asian), MULTIPLE men decided to approach our table and start speaking a couple words of an Asian language or asking about our backgrounds. And they got defensive and offended when we didn’t want to talk to them. Would they have done this if there were a couple guys in the group? There was also the one time that I was with my friend Christina and a man approached us, just to tell us about his Korean ex-girlfriend, and how she was really good in bed.
On Instagram, since I have an Italian last name, men will message me to ask if I’m Italian, part-Italian, or from Italy. Have I ever gotten this question from a woman ever? No.
I asked my sister and some of my friends about their experiences, and they all said it usually made them uncomfortable, but they sometimes feel like they have to talk to the guy inquiring. Either it would be rude/even more uncomfortable not to, or they felt like it would be unsafe not to. And that’s NOT OK. Even if some of these guys are not trying to flirt with you or harass you, they shouldn’t feel entitled to have a conversation with you if you don’t want to. Again…my friends and I were having dinner, and these guys thought it was OK to interrupt. “I’m just trying to learn about your culture.” Um…can’t you see we’re busy, maybe you can go sign up for a class or take a trip.
Or what if I was adopted, and I don’t know anything about “my culture?” I dislike being asked this question, because often it’s framed in a way or situation that makes me immediately feel defensive/on guard, want to try to avoid the topic, when I really I should be proud. But as a woman, especially when I’m alone, I instead feel singled-out/targeted.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic! Do you get asked this question, and how do you handle it? Are you ever the perpetrator?
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