Happy Monday Friends! How was your weekend? It was SO HOT this whole weekend. Some of our friends were in town, which was fun, but unfortunately, my friend Joyce got mugged on Saturday night at 8:30pm. (Coming out of the Macy’s on State Street). Thank goodness she’s ok, even though she’s bummed that she was only here for 24 hours, and this happened. Be careful everyone – be aware of your surroundings!
Today, I wanted to talk about something that I’ve been thinking about for a while – how do you know when you’re ready to have kids?
Since I was a kid, I’ve known that I wanted to be a mom someday. Actually, when I was younger, I thought I would have a kid by 25, and be done before 30! HA! Growing up with a sister who is 9.5 years younger than me confirmed how much I eventually want to be a mom, but also how much work it really is.
So it’s not a matter of if I want kids. But when?
I love my life right now – but it’s kind of stressful. Between my full time job, part-time graduate school, and this blog, I rarely get a good night’s sleep. I also try to be a good wife, friend, daughter, and sister, and attempt to keep my home clean (definitely failing there), eat healthy, exercise (not doing well there either). Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job at all the above, but there’s still there’s so much more I want to do. I want to graduate, get promoted, grow the blog, and travel to a bunch of places. On the top of my list is Italy, the UK, and Portugal. But I also want to go to several countries in Asia and Africa. Actually, I can’t really think of many places that I don’t want to visit.
I touched on this before (here and here), but Chris and I have been waiting patiently for over 2 years to move out of our one bedroom condo. I feel like we’ve been in this mental state of “we’re moving soon” for a really long time, but still haven’t, and it’s a very unsettling feeling. I’d really like to move soon!
But I turned 30 this year. I know I’m not old-old, but I’m also not super young anymore from a reproduction timeline. It’s kind of cruel really, how biology works. I know way too many women who have struggled with infertility and their stories are so heartbreaking. Several were never diagnosed with an actual cause – I believe they call it “unexplained infertility.” How terrifying is all of that?
On the other hand, most of my friends are my age or a few years older. No one is worried as me, or even worried at all (I am a worrywart). They’re enjoying living in the moment and figure that whatever happens, happens. But I’ve never been good at that. I always like to blame myself, and I’m afraid I’ll eventually be mad at myself for waiting too long. It’s possible that I’ll never feel 100% ready to have a child unless I find out I can’t have a child. Then I’ll want nothing more.
As I discussed earlier, I lived with my grandparents from the age of 2-5 in China while my parents were pursuing graduate school in the US. My mom has been honest that they didn’t exactly plan everything out. After I came along, they felt that they needed to make the necessary career moves to support the family in the long-term, but in the short-term, I obviously had to be without them for 3 years. What’s the right decision in a case like that? As a parent, do you turn down a dream opportunity? Do you pursue it at the expense of your kid? My immediate answer would be no, but would my parents have resented me if they had stayed and never moved to the US? If Chris and I are presented with the opportunity of a lifetime – what would we do?
Chris has a much more level head about the whole thing. He says “there will never be a perfect time.” He’s right. But I think that some times are still better than other times. And I’m not sure he knows just how much work a baby is. Chris has a younger sister as well, but he was never held responsible for her like I was for my sister Lily.
I grew up changing Lily’s diapers, feeding her, and skipping stuff that my friends were doing to take Lily to the park or to ballet lessons. Living in Chicago now, we don’t have family close by. What would we do for childcare? Also, I’m convinced that no matter how modern and equitable your household is, women still end up doing more than men. Not to mention childbirth. Is it selfish if I’m scared of pain and needles and don’t want to get stretch marks?
When you’re ready, do all these concerns go away? Or do you just accept that you’ll figure it out as you go? What are your thoughts on this topic? How do you know when you’re ready to have kids?
